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Tea party gone wrong

As you probably read, I had a tea party last Sunday to which I’d invited Toby, Fiona and Amendaria. Amendaria arrived an hour earlier than expected. He looked horrible, like he hadn’t eaten or slept in weeks because he was too busy crying… When I asked him how he was he said “I’m fine, just a bit tired”. I didn’t believe he was actually fine but I got the feeling he didn’t want to talk about it.

After an hour filled with conversations about the weather and awkward silences Toby and Fiona arrived. It felt so good to see them again! It felt like ages since we talked! Toby was very happy to see me, he hugged me so hard that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. After we’ drunk some fantasy flavoured tea and had all eaten a slice of my homemade rainbow cake it all went wrong… Toby liked my cake so much he wanted to take a second slice, but Fiona forbade him! When I asked her why Toby wasn’t allowed to take a second slice she bluntly said: “Oh c’mon C.G., look at him! He’s fat enough as it is! He looks DISGUSTING…” Toby reacted: “I’m sick of you criticising me all the time! All you’ve told me the past week is how ugly and fat I am… If I’m so disgusting, why don’t you dump me?!” Fiona looked baffled… As if she was surprised Toby didn’t like being criticised by her all the time. I turned to Fiona and said: “You know, I don’t think Toby is that fat. He gained a little weight, you’re right about that. But he looks better than he did before.” Fiona angrily reacted: “Sure, defend him! Like you always do! Sometimes I wonder whether you’re in love with Toby! The way you always praise him and stand up for him! Well, I’ve got bad news for you MISSY, he’s mine!” I quickly replied: “Fiona, I’m not trying to steal your man, if that’s what you’re insinuating. I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression I’m interested in Toby in that way… I just thought it was rude of you to say he’s fat in front of his friends and…” Fiona started laughing at that point and said: “Friends? Don’t make me laugh! That depressed unicorn isn’t his FRIEND. We don’t even KNOW him! Why did you invite him anyway? To bring down the mood?” All of the sudden Amendaria stood up and shouted: “Stop yelling, you stupid cow… I mean, panda! What have I done to you to deserve being dissed?! If anyone’s bringing the mood down it’s you! And I’ll tell you something else: if anyone here’s fat, it’s you! Before you start dissing other people, take a good look in the mirror!” After he’d said all this he ran away. I turned to Fiona and said:”I hope you’re happy now! I invited him because he’s been through a lot this week and I thought he could use some cheering up… But congratulations Fiona, you’ve made it all worse! I’d like to request you to go home now. You can come back when you’ve realised what you’ve done and said wrong today…”

After this Toby and Fiona left. Toby sent me a text five minutes after they’d walked out of my house in which he apologised for his girlfriend’s behaviour. I replied that Fiona was the one who had to apologise, not he.

TO BE CONTINUED

The unicorn and the Pegasus

Toby and Fiona moved in together last week and to maintain our friendship we’ve agreed on having a small tea party each Sunday. You should know that at a traditional tea party in the Land by the Rainbow, there has to be a homemade rainbow cake. But as you probably suspected, you can’t make those without bits of rainbow. The only place where you can find these without damaging the rainbow, is by the roots of the rainbow. Since the sun was out this morning, I saw my chance to go rainbow picking.

Whilst filling my basket with bits of rainbow I heard voices coming my way. I thought it sounded like the creatures were having an argument… I looked up to see what was going on and saw a unicorn and a Pegasus under the tree made of Curly Wurlys.  At first I thought I’d better keep my nose out of it and continued picking bits of rainbow.  All of a sudden I heard one of the two yelling: “Stay away from my wife, bastard!” When I looked up again I saw the unicorn heat-butting the Pegasus, after which the Pegasus fell to the ground. I decided I had to do something and ran towards them. When I got there the unicorn spoke to me: “Please, help him. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I got so caught up in the moment … I’m so sorry. Please… please, help him.” I kneeled down next to the Pegasus and noticed he was bleeding heavily and unconscious. He needed professional help and called the emergency services. After hanging up the phone the Pegasus came back to his senses again and started moaning. I told him to stay calm and that an ambulance was on the way. The Pegasus looked at the unicorn and said: “Why did you do that? That wasn’t in the script, idiot!” This confused me. The script? Which script? Were they practising for a play? The unicorn replied: “I know Rudy, but I got so caught up in my role. I just… I just…” At this point Rudy yelled at him: “I just… I just… You just what, Amendaria?! You thought that horn on your head wouldn’t hurt me? Stupid moron…” Amendaria the unicorn mumbled: “I’m sorry…” To which Rudy replied: “Is that what you’re going tell the director? “I’m sorry, Steven. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just got caught up in the role…” And what do you expect Steven will say to that? Do you think he’ll accept your apology? Forget it! You’re fired for sure, retard!” Amendaria started crying. Rudy started yelling again: “Yes, off course… start crying, like you always do when something goes wrong! When are you finally going to grow a pair?” After this hurtful remark by Rudy, I started talking: “Can you both just stop fighting and calm down?” Both of them had their eyes on me now. I turned to Rudy and said: “Yes, Amendaria obviously did something stupid, but he didn’t mean it. He’s explained himself, apologised multiple times… He clearly feels sorry about what he did. I think it’s only decent to accept his apology. That doesn’t mean you have to be friends. It just means that you stop fighting about what happened. You’ve given him your opinion, your message was clear… Time to stop going on about it.” Then I turned to Amendaria and said to him: “And you, stop crying. What you did wasn’t very smart, but crying about it won’t solve a thing. He’s still alive, he just needs some medical attention. There’s an ambulance on the way, they’ll know what to do…” They both silently looked at me. They were probably wondering who I was and why I thought I had the right to give them my opinion.

After 5 minutes of complete silence the ambulance arrived. They got Rudy into the ambulance. He had to go to the hospital to be examined properly and get some stitches. After we’d told them what had happened they told us that Rudy has the right to press charges against Amendaria and left for the hospital again.

Amendaria seemed worried. I told him everything would be alright. He replied to this: “How do you know that? What if Rudy presses charges?” He was right… What if he pressed charges? What would happen to Amendaria? Which penalty do unicorns get for head-butting someone in the Land by the Rainbow? After thinking about this, all I could say to Amendaria was: “You’re right… I don’t know. I was just trying to comfort you.” Amendaria didn’t reply to this. He just stood there, with the saddest and most hopeless look upon his face.

When I saw the sun had disappeared and noticed that it was starting to rain airdrops. This was only normal after what had happened… everyone knows that a unicorn’s state of mind influences the weather. I looked at Amendaria and said: “I have to go, it’s starting to rain and I don’t have an umbrella with me. Do you think you’ll be alright?” Amendaria shortly replied: “Sure…” I felt so sorry for him and said: “You know, I’m having a tea party this Sunday. If you want, you can come too.” His face lighted up (and so did the sky). “It starts at 4 in the afternoon. I live in the house under the tree made of strawberry bootlaces.” To this he said: “I’d love to come, thanks for inviting me.” After this we both went home.

TO BE CONTINUED