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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Marshmellow Trees and Nougat Hospitals

The Marshmellow Tree

On Monday I went to Amendaria’s place to see how he was after all that’d happened at the tea party, but he wasn’t home. Since it had been raining all day I was worried something had happened to him (we all know the weather represents the mood of unicorns). I just had to find him…

After looking for hours and hours I sat down under the tree of marshmellows to rest a bit. After two minutes I heard someone sobbing. When I looked up, I saw Amendaria lying on the biggest branch of the tree, eating chocolate marshmellows whilst crying. “There you are!”, I said, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Do you want to come down and talk to me?”. Amendaria replied: “I really want to but I can’t. When I climbed in this tree I forgot I’m afraid of hights and now I’m scared that if I move, I’ll fall down!”  This was awful. I had to find a way to get him out of that tree… “Do you want me to call the emergency services to get you out?” I asked. Amendaria shook his head. So I asked: “What if I brought you a ladder? Would you dare to come down if you had a ladder?” Amendaria responded: “Maybe… We can try!” I hurried home, took the ladder out of my garden shed, folded it up so that it could fit in my purse and ran back to the marshmellow tree. When I got back I put the ladder against the branch on which Amendaria was lying and encouraged Amendaria to come down by saying: “C’mon Amendaria, you can do this! One step at a time!” Amendaria slowly climbed down the ladder. When he was down I gave him a hug and we sat down under the tree.

I asked Amendaria how he was feeling after which he finally told me the truth: “Awful, I can’t forgive myself for hurting Rudy… He was my dearest friend. I want to visit him so badly, I want to know whether he’s still angry with me, but I don’t dare to. I’m so scared he’ll start yelling again.” I patted Amendaria on the back and asked him:”Do you want me to go with you? I can go in first to find out whether he’s still angry with you. If he isn’t you can come in as well…” After I said this it suddenly stopped raining. Amendaria had a surprised look on his face and said: “Would you do that for me? You wouldn’t mind?” I looked Amendaria in the eyes and replied: “Off course not! If you want we can leave now!” A smile appeared on Amendaria’s face and he said: “I’d love that!” When he’d said this, the dark clouds dissappeared and the sun started shining again. We left for the hospital right away.


At the Nougat Hospital

Ten minutes later we arrived at the hospital. The hospital in the Land by the Rainbow isn’t like any other hospital. The building is made of nougat, all the doors were made of ginger cookies, the reception made of M&Ms and seats made of gingerbread. After asking the receptionist in which room we could find Rudy we bought Rudy some chocolates and a balloon with “get well soon” on it in the gift shop.

When we arrived at his room I went in first, just like we planned earlier. Rudy was watching Breaking Bad on TV when I walked in his room. It was the episode in which they use acid to dissolve the corpse of Emilio in a bathtub… Rudy looked at me in shock when he saw me and started talking: “Wh-Wh-What are YOU doing here?” to which I replied: “Hello to you too Rudy, I thought I’d pay you a visit. Is that alright?” Rudy nodded and told me to take a seat. I sat down and asked Rudy how he was. Rudy responded: “I’m alright… still recovering, as you can see.” I looked Rudy in the eye and quietly said to him: “Rudy, I need to ask… When you were in the ambulance the nurse told us you could press charges against Amendaria for what he did. Are you…” Rudy started answering my question before I could finish it and said: “No, I’m not going to press charges against Amendaria. I know he does stupid things sometimes but he can’t help it. He’s just very impulsive and, let’s face it, not very clever. I over-reacted the other day, I was just so angry with him. But I can’t stay mad at him…. I love him too much for that! I just wish he’d visit me, I miss him and I’d like to apologise for saying all those horrible things.” I was so glad to hear Rudy say this and couldn’t wait to tell him Amendaria was waiting for him on the other side of that delicious door and said “Well Rudy, have I got good news for you!” I opened the door and Amendaria walked in after which Rudy started smiling. Amendaria gave Rudy his gifts and apologised to which Rudy said: “It’s alright. I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I’m sorry I called you all those awful things. You’ve been such a good friend in the past. You didn’t deserve to be talked to like that for making a mistake.” Amendaria started crying tears of joy after which Rudy got up and gave him a hug.

My work for the day was done. I brought two friends back together again. Next to that I was starting to feel hungry after seeing all the delicious furniture in the hospital. I decided that it was time for me to go home before I started eating some of it and said goodbye to my two newest friends.


Tea party gone wrong

As you probably read, I had a tea party last Sunday to which I’d invited Toby, Fiona and Amendaria. Amendaria arrived an hour earlier than expected. He looked horrible, like he hadn’t eaten or slept in weeks because he was too busy crying… When I asked him how he was he said “I’m fine, just a bit tired”. I didn’t believe he was actually fine but I got the feeling he didn’t want to talk about it.

After an hour filled with conversations about the weather and awkward silences Toby and Fiona arrived. It felt so good to see them again! It felt like ages since we talked! Toby was very happy to see me, he hugged me so hard that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. After we’ drunk some fantasy flavoured tea and had all eaten a slice of my homemade rainbow cake it all went wrong… Toby liked my cake so much he wanted to take a second slice, but Fiona forbade him! When I asked her why Toby wasn’t allowed to take a second slice she bluntly said: “Oh c’mon C.G., look at him! He’s fat enough as it is! He looks DISGUSTING…” Toby reacted: “I’m sick of you criticising me all the time! All you’ve told me the past week is how ugly and fat I am… If I’m so disgusting, why don’t you dump me?!” Fiona looked baffled… As if she was surprised Toby didn’t like being criticised by her all the time. I turned to Fiona and said: “You know, I don’t think Toby is that fat. He gained a little weight, you’re right about that. But he looks better than he did before.” Fiona angrily reacted: “Sure, defend him! Like you always do! Sometimes I wonder whether you’re in love with Toby! The way you always praise him and stand up for him! Well, I’ve got bad news for you MISSY, he’s mine!” I quickly replied: “Fiona, I’m not trying to steal your man, if that’s what you’re insinuating. I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression I’m interested in Toby in that way… I just thought it was rude of you to say he’s fat in front of his friends and…” Fiona started laughing at that point and said: “Friends? Don’t make me laugh! That depressed unicorn isn’t his FRIEND. We don’t even KNOW him! Why did you invite him anyway? To bring down the mood?” All of the sudden Amendaria stood up and shouted: “Stop yelling, you stupid cow… I mean, panda! What have I done to you to deserve being dissed?! If anyone’s bringing the mood down it’s you! And I’ll tell you something else: if anyone here’s fat, it’s you! Before you start dissing other people, take a good look in the mirror!” After he’d said all this he ran away. I turned to Fiona and said:”I hope you’re happy now! I invited him because he’s been through a lot this week and I thought he could use some cheering up… But congratulations Fiona, you’ve made it all worse! I’d like to request you to go home now. You can come back when you’ve realised what you’ve done and said wrong today…”

After this Toby and Fiona left. Toby sent me a text five minutes after they’d walked out of my house in which he apologised for his girlfriend’s behaviour. I replied that Fiona was the one who had to apologise, not he.


The unicorn and the Pegasus

Toby and Fiona moved in together last week and to maintain our friendship we’ve agreed on having a small tea party each Sunday. You should know that at a traditional tea party in the Land by the Rainbow, there has to be a homemade rainbow cake. But as you probably suspected, you can’t make those without bits of rainbow. The only place where you can find these without damaging the rainbow, is by the roots of the rainbow. Since the sun was out this morning, I saw my chance to go rainbow picking.

Whilst filling my basket with bits of rainbow I heard voices coming my way. I thought it sounded like the creatures were having an argument… I looked up to see what was going on and saw a unicorn and a Pegasus under the tree made of Curly Wurlys.  At first I thought I’d better keep my nose out of it and continued picking bits of rainbow.  All of a sudden I heard one of the two yelling: “Stay away from my wife, bastard!” When I looked up again I saw the unicorn heat-butting the Pegasus, after which the Pegasus fell to the ground. I decided I had to do something and ran towards them. When I got there the unicorn spoke to me: “Please, help him. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I got so caught up in the moment … I’m so sorry. Please… please, help him.” I kneeled down next to the Pegasus and noticed he was bleeding heavily and unconscious. He needed professional help and called the emergency services. After hanging up the phone the Pegasus came back to his senses again and started moaning. I told him to stay calm and that an ambulance was on the way. The Pegasus looked at the unicorn and said: “Why did you do that? That wasn’t in the script, idiot!” This confused me. The script? Which script? Were they practising for a play? The unicorn replied: “I know Rudy, but I got so caught up in my role. I just… I just…” At this point Rudy yelled at him: “I just… I just… You just what, Amendaria?! You thought that horn on your head wouldn’t hurt me? Stupid moron…” Amendaria the unicorn mumbled: “I’m sorry…” To which Rudy replied: “Is that what you’re going tell the director? “I’m sorry, Steven. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just got caught up in the role…” And what do you expect Steven will say to that? Do you think he’ll accept your apology? Forget it! You’re fired for sure, retard!” Amendaria started crying. Rudy started yelling again: “Yes, off course… start crying, like you always do when something goes wrong! When are you finally going to grow a pair?” After this hurtful remark by Rudy, I started talking: “Can you both just stop fighting and calm down?” Both of them had their eyes on me now. I turned to Rudy and said: “Yes, Amendaria obviously did something stupid, but he didn’t mean it. He’s explained himself, apologised multiple times… He clearly feels sorry about what he did. I think it’s only decent to accept his apology. That doesn’t mean you have to be friends. It just means that you stop fighting about what happened. You’ve given him your opinion, your message was clear… Time to stop going on about it.” Then I turned to Amendaria and said to him: “And you, stop crying. What you did wasn’t very smart, but crying about it won’t solve a thing. He’s still alive, he just needs some medical attention. There’s an ambulance on the way, they’ll know what to do…” They both silently looked at me. They were probably wondering who I was and why I thought I had the right to give them my opinion.

After 5 minutes of complete silence the ambulance arrived. They got Rudy into the ambulance. He had to go to the hospital to be examined properly and get some stitches. After we’d told them what had happened they told us that Rudy has the right to press charges against Amendaria and left for the hospital again.

Amendaria seemed worried. I told him everything would be alright. He replied to this: “How do you know that? What if Rudy presses charges?” He was right… What if he pressed charges? What would happen to Amendaria? Which penalty do unicorns get for head-butting someone in the Land by the Rainbow? After thinking about this, all I could say to Amendaria was: “You’re right… I don’t know. I was just trying to comfort you.” Amendaria didn’t reply to this. He just stood there, with the saddest and most hopeless look upon his face.

When I saw the sun had disappeared and noticed that it was starting to rain airdrops. This was only normal after what had happened… everyone knows that a unicorn’s state of mind influences the weather. I looked at Amendaria and said: “I have to go, it’s starting to rain and I don’t have an umbrella with me. Do you think you’ll be alright?” Amendaria shortly replied: “Sure…” I felt so sorry for him and said: “You know, I’m having a tea party this Sunday. If you want, you can come too.” His face lighted up (and so did the sky). “It starts at 4 in the afternoon. I live in the house under the tree made of strawberry bootlaces.” To this he said: “I’d love to come, thanks for inviting me.” After this we both went home.


Willy the Wailing Whale from Wales

It was Toby’s birthday last Friday. To celebrate Toby, Fiona and I went to a pub. Toby wanted to go to the Hoarse Horse because he wanted to see one of his old school mates: Willy the Wailing Whale from Wales, who was performing at the Hoarse Horse.

The Hoarse Horse is a very small pub which is known for their good fantasy flavoured cocktails. After we’d found a place to sit we each ordered one of those famous fantasy flavoured cocktails (virgin ones for Fiona and Toby!) and an extra large portion of tortilla chips with rainbow dip, which is made of tiny bits of the rainbow and the tears of a unicorn.

After waiting for an hour the pub was so full that you could barely breathe and Willy had to start performing. Since Toby had told me Willy is one of the best musicians he knew I had high expectations. He’d even compared him to one of my favourite artists, Jack White. The moment he started playing the piano I knew Toby couldn’t have been more wrong. It sounded like a 3-year old playing the piano for the very first time, just punching keys. When I thought it couldn’t get worse, he started singing. I felt like I was trapped in a box filled with chaos, anger, sadness and Japanese noise… His lyrics weren’t very good either, he just cried out random words. It was so horrible that even Rebecca Black could teach him a thing or two about writing lyrics. After each song more and more people started booing and left the pub. I felt like following their example but I didn’t want to hurt Toby’s feelings, so I stayed.

After two more hours of pure torture Willy was finished and joined our table. He asked us what we thought about his performance. I didn’t know what to say: I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t want to lie either. Before I could think of a proper answer Fiona asked him what he thought of his performance to which he smugly replied: “This was the best gig I’ve ever given, but clearly the world is not ready for my music.” At this point Toby interrupted him and loudly asked him: “What do you mean? I thought it was great!” To this Wally replied: “I know it was, my dear friend. But we seem to be the only ones. The pub was full before I started and look at it now, it’s nearly empty.” Toby turned to Fiona and me, and asked us what we thought. To avoid problems I simply replied: “It wasn’t my cup of tea.” I hoped this would be enough, that they’d leave me alone with my thoughts but then Wally fired questions me: “And may I ask why not?! What was wrong with my music?! Is it not good enough for your human ears?! Do you think you could do better?!” I didn’t like his condescending attitude and the superior tone in his voice when he asked me those questions. The smug smile he wore on his face a few minutes earlier had been replaced by an agitated and threatening look. Before I knew it I was giving him my full and honest opinion: “Yes, I think I could do better. As a matter of fact, I think anyone could do better… Listening to your music felt like being stabbed in the ear with a machete. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s caused more brain damages over the years than Justin Bieber’s music. I can honestly say that I’d rather listen to an album by Coldplay  than listening to your music, and you should know that I hate Coldplay with all my heart…” After this I sat back and crossed my legs. Fiona was looking at me in awe. Wally stood up and said goodbye to Toby without even glancing at me. I had destroyed him completely, which on the one hand made me feel so good but on the other hand it made me feel a bit guilty.  When Wally had left the pub Toby turned to me and said: “How could you? That’s one of my best mates, and you’ve offended him. You could have tried  being respectful! Was that really necessary” Before I could apologise Fiona said: “Toby, didn’t you hear his music? It was absolutely horrible! And he clearly can’t cope with people having an opinion about his music, unless if it’s a good one. Didn’t you hear how he talked to her when she said that she didn’t like his music? He wasn’t very respectful either, was he? He needed to be put down and that’s what she did.” I added to this: “Toby has a point though: I did go too far. But he wanted my honest opinion, I gave him what he asked. I know I was harsh but he didn’t ask me in a polite way either, did he?” Toby didn’t reply to this. After he had been quiet for more than 5 minutes I told him I was sorry about what I’d done. To this he said: “I know you are and I understand why you felt the urge to break him down, I really do. I am not saying that you shouldn’t have given him your opinion, I’m just saying that you didn’t have to be rude. You really hurt his feelings… I think you should apologise to Wally for the way you reacted.” When he’d said this he gave me Wally’s phone number.

I walked outside and phoned Wally when he picked up the phone I apologised. I told him that I meant what I said but that I should have been more respectful and considerate of his feelings when saying it. Wally interrupted me and said: “No need to apologise, hun. You were right: my music is terrible. I’ve been living in a dream world, telling myself that my music didn’t sell because people weren’t ready for it. But the truth is people will never be ready for it because it’s horrible. You’ve woken me up and made me realise this. I want to thank you for this.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t expect he’d accept my apology, let alone that he’d thank me for being cruel to him. I told him that he was welcome and wished him all the best luck in the future. After this I hung up and went back inside. I told Toby and Fiona about what had just happened. They were just as shocked as I was, but they were happy that he wasn’t angry with me. To celebrate we drank one more cocktail and ate the rest of our tortilla chips. After this we went home.